Tears...

Tears...

As I watch him
Tears fall
Why don't you turn around?
Can't you see me standing here, waiting for you?

How many tears do I have to shed?
Until you hear my cries...
I'm here waiting for you.

She smiles and you laugh
How happy you look together

Tears fall
As I watch you walk away
Never looking back...
Will the tears stop?
Yes

My Fave Song

Lyrics | Ss501 lyrics - Love Like This lyrics

Reading manhwa "Love in the mask" by Han Yu Rang. I know it's fiction but I just can't help feeling some emotion for the main characters. She can't tell him how much she loves him and he can only show his love by hurting her. How cruel!

Hahaha... anyone reading this entry would be saying, "Get a life!"

2011...

2010... over.

2011... hello.

New Year resolution? Recycling old ones.

2011 will bring several changes at work. Not sure when, but it's coming. I always have difficulties dealing with change. It's not something I enjoy. I like my routine, however boring it might seem to people. But it's not something I can avoid. So I'll take my time to deal with it.

So, 2011... bring it on.

It's that time of the year again...

Yes, it's that time of year again... Closing accounts and wedding invitations in abundance! November-December... yuck!

Working in finance means that we get quite busy at the office at the end of the year, trying to finish all the payments needed. Extra pressure this year because I don't have a boss right now. Old one got promoted and we're still waiting for the replacement. Last I heard, it might be in January. Uhuks!

Weddings... not a big fan of attending weddings. I hate going alone. It's quite hard to get someone to accompany me since everyone else is busy too. Plus, I have a tendency to cry at weddings... well, my close friends' weddings at least.

I like the planning part of weddings, but I try to avoid the function itself. I like shopping for the dress, flowers, gifts etc. But i don't like being at the wedding itself. Why? I'm not sure... Maybe because I feel so lonely when I see the happy couple, I guess. In my head, when a friend marries, everything will change. You can't go out like you used to because he/she has to spend time with family. If you're lucky, their spouses won't mind if you go out together for dinner or something once in a while. But, if you're friend is the opposite sex, you run the risk of their wives being jealous. So of course, slowly you stop seeing each other and soon all contacts are cut off. You lose a good friend...

I need a switch...

I need a switch... so that I can easily switch between work mode to relax mode.

I've been told by several of my friends that I can only talk about work and nothing else. We would go out for lunch and all I can think of is we need to get back soon so that I can finish a report, or I'd be reminding them of whatever stuff they need to give me for work related task.

So, how do I turn off my work mode? Even in my dreams, I work.

Hobbies only help for a few hours, but then it's back to "Tomorrow I need to do this, tell them to do this, etc".

Someone once told me that I need to learn to delegate and trust people to do their job. I've tried to delegate more but it's sometimes a lot easier and faster for me to do it myself.

Arghh! Let it go! Deep breaths... and relax...

Old blog...

My old blog...
http://meilya.blog.friendster.com/

Dusting off the cobwebs...

Wow... how long has it been since I've posted anything on my blog? More than 5 years... Choking on the dust... Uhuks!

A lot has happened in 5 years... Let me summarise my boring life for those who are interested in reading:

1. Love life: Heart broken twice... OK, maybe three times. Or was it four? Anyway, it involved the same two guys. Makes you wonder what kind of girl I am to fall for the same guy twice, right... Silly me!

2. Career: Found a permanent job. Been working in the same division for the past 4 years, but 3 different units. So learnt a lot over the years. Looking forward to the rest of my career...

3. Friends: Met new ones, still keeping in touch with old ones. Some got married, others migrated overseas. I even went to visit a friend overseas for her wedding. My first oversea trip without my family...

That's 5 years of my life condensed into three paragraphs...

News

I really should start writing more often. It has been almost half a year since my last entry. But it's really no fun writing when no one's reading or giving feedback on what I write. There are a few problems to letting people know about this blog.

1. If I send the URL to those who knew me in college, they might figure out who is THE GUY I always write about. I would be so embarassed if anyone from college found out my crush on HIM.
2. I did write about a very close and dear friend while I was angry with her. So, she might figure out that I was writing about her and be hurt.

Maybe I should just risk it. So what if people know about my BIG crush? It's not like I even see HIM anymore. We barely contact each other. Sometimes HE might suddenly send sms, email or if I'm lucky, call. Once in a blue moon.

If my friend figures out that I was writing about her, "Sorry, jangan marah ye!"

Anyway, news...

I recently got a job as a caption writer. It's just part time but my boss says if I want to apply for a permanent post, she'll give a recommendation for me to take the entry exam. But I'm not sure if I want to be a journalist. I don't think I have the drive for it. We'll see in a few months after I've settled in. Maybe I'll get the writing bug.

Speaking of writing bugs, I won second place in a French poetry writing contest at Alliance Francaise a couple of months ago. This is the poem...

Mon Trésor

On rassemble l’or,
Des bijoux et des pièces de monnaie.
Ces trésors qu’ils ne partagent pas.
Mon trésor que je partage,
Ce n’est pas de l’or, ce ne sont pas des bijoux,
Ces sont mes mémoires.
Les bonnes mémoires sont pour des rires.
Les mauvaises mémoires m’ont enseigné des leçons.
Ces memoires sont mon trésor.
Mon trésor que je partage avec vous.

My Treasure

One collects gold,
Jewels and coins.
These treasures that they don’t share
My treasure that I share,
It is not gold, it is not jewels.
It is my memories.
The good memories are for laughs.
The bad memories taught me lessons.
These memories are my treasure.
My treasure that I share with you.

It's sappy, I know. But I won second place! the prize was some books and a free dinner at a French reasturant for one person. I didn't want to go alone. So just before my birthday, I asked a guy from my class to go with me. He said he was free but he'll let me know. Turned out he was busy and I lost the mood to go. I gave him the coupon to enjoy with someone else. So disappointing! I almost had him!

This is a very long entry to make for the last 6 months. I'll try to write again soon.

It's been a while...

It's been a while since I've written anything. Most of the time I just have nothing to blog about. I've taken up French again. Every Tuesday and Thursday, since October until end of December. I like learning French. At first I wasn't used to my classmates. But lately, we've gotten closer. There are even two interesting guys that have helped me get over HIM. One is 8 years older, very mysterious because he refuses to tell anyone his job. The other is 4 years younger than me. He's very nice and cute.

As for HIM, I sent HIM a card for Aidilfitri and a birthday card at the same time. On HIS birthday, I resisted the temptation to call him. Maybe next year... At least I'm not obssessing over HIM so much. Oh, I still daydream about him, but those two other guys also play big roles in my daydreams. Usually involves a few jealousy fight.... Yeah, in my dreams!

Not Nice!

I am NOT a nice person. I am hot tempered, vindictive, sarcastic and I can hold a grudge for years. My motto seems to be "I forgive but I never forget". I can suddenly mention some hateful incident from 15 years ago and name eeryone involved. I bring up past misdeeds in an instant if you do something I don't like.

Actually I'm in a bad mood because my friend just cancelled something I had planned for a month. I had asked for her to clear a day, just for us to spend together, catching up on news, etc. That was in the last week of August. Everything was set for 2nd Oct. but she called on Friday saying she had something to do with her sister. Okay, I understand. Family comes first, right. We decided Sunday would be okay. Tonight she called to say she has to go to a family day with her mother. Excuse me, but if you know there's a family day that weekend, shouldn't you check with your family whether or not you have to go before you make plans with your friends. Believe me, the next time someone says "We should get together sometime.", I'll just give them the dates that I'm free and let them plan everything. Saves me the heart break! Never again!

Finally!!

Finally it's over. The weight has been lifted. As of last Sunday, my life became normal again. No more stressful days. Well, not exactly free as the waiting is just as hard.

I'm talking about the PTD Assessment Centre (PAC). It lasted 3 days. A stressful 3 days. We had group activites and public speaking (both in Malay and English). I was shaking like a leaf for the public speaking sessions. The group work wasn't so bad, but I disliked the debate in Parliment style. We also had to run 2.4km on the last day. I managed to do it in 20 minutes. That's a record for me as I only managed to do 2km in 40minutes when I practiced for the test.

You know, before I went for the PAC, I wasn't sure if I even wanted the job if I got it. Now, I WANT it. The experience taught me that I could do a lot if I just tried. Although a little motivation from HIM doesn't hurt. Through the whole thing, I kept thinking if he could do, the I could too. So I guess HE's useful for something.

Even through all the pressure and stress to do well, I still managed to do some 'sightseeing'. Hehehe.... So handsome!

Plump and proud of it!

It's been a while since I've last blogged. The thing is every time I want to type something, I think of what would happen if someone I know read the things I write about them. So, I don't blog. But now, I have to before I lose my nerve. What's the use of having a blog if you DON'T blog, right?

The past week, my mother has been training me for the assessment centre. She's also insisting on putting me on a diet. At first, she told me to only drink milk mixed with freshly squeezed orange juice and eat green apples if I get too hungry. I was supposed to do this for three straight days and then eat normal food for the rest of the week. The routine is repeated the next week. I, having no willpower at all, survived 2 days before I was drooling for real food. Now, I can eat only boiled or baked things, vegetables and fruits. No fried food and no rice. Luckily for me, I like baked fish. Have to fight with the cat for the fish though...

This brings me to the one thing I hate the most... weight! I can usually take a joke or two about my weight. I know I'm overweight. So, what?! Does it make me less of a woman? Is it only the thin and slim that gets everything? It's now wonder that girls and some boys suffer from bulimia and aneroxia. The pressure to be thin and slim is so great in the world. We are being bombarded by pictures in tv of silly fat women, dark skinned women not getting attention until they become fairer, etc. Well, I'm PROUD to be plump and dark! So, there!

September is coming!

It's the end of August. My contract is until the 30th of August. But, they have just enough funding to rehire two people for a month. So, on the 8th of September I'll start work again. Until then,I have to practice for the assesment centre. I have to build up my stamina and study Malaysian policies. In October, it's French class and driving lessons. I have planned out everything for the next three months, including outings with friends.
Here are another two conflicting traits. I like to plan everything and have backup plans, just in case. But, I can also call someone at 8a.m. and asking if they want to go out at 10a.m. The spontaneous part doesn't come out very often. My friends are thankful for that.

It's the Olympics again. I've always hated the fact that the time difference would mean I have to stay up late to watch my favorite events; gymnastics and diving. Nowadays, I like to watch all the events, except for football which I've always thought as a boring sport. Also, badminton, I hate that too. Tennis, hockey, water polo, yuck! On second thought, maybe I do still watch only gymnastics. When I was younger, I begged my mother to send me for gymnastics lessons. Now, I can only imagine myself doing cartwheels.

Bad Ideas!

Bad Idea No.1:
Wearing high heeled shoes on examination day.
WHY: You can never get a cab and you have to walk half an hour to the nearest LRT station. By the time you reach home, you can barely walk to your room.

Bad Idea No.2:
Listening to an advice collumnist on ways to get over your crush.
WHY: That rubber band on your wrist is cutting off circulation and your wrist is red from all the snapping you've done all day long. What's worse is that HE's still on your mind 24/7. OUCH!!!!

rubber band

I had just read in the newspaper an advice collumnist telling a reader, a good way to forget someone is to snap a rubber band on any part of the skin everytime she thinks about the person. Maybe I could do that as way to try to forget HIM. But I'll probably end up black and blue still be thinking of HIM day and night. Doesn't hurt to try, right? Ouch!

Scared

This past two months, there has been two helicopter crashes. In July, all the victims died. This week an Airforce helicopter went down, killing three of the ten soldiers on board. I have several friends in the military. But it's only HIM I think of every time I hear news of an aircrash. I'm afraid that one day I'll be reading the paper and see HIS picture with the words "Died in Crash" above it. I know it's just so melodramatic. My imagination is getting the better of me. I used to pray that my imaginings would come true, but this is one I desperately pray will never happen.

Mischief

You know, it's true when people say idle minds will find mischief. I have no social life, apart from some old friends from school. They have been too busy to go out or anything like that. So, I end up with plenty of free time. I've run out of books to read. There is never anything good on tv. All that's left is HIM! All i could think about is HIM. I think of ways how to get him to notice me. I've imagined falling sick and ending up in the hospital. HE will then visit me and finds out HE can't live without me. All the ways I could think of is useless, because HE is incommunicado until HE finishes HIS training. Yes, my dream guy has joined the Airforce. Bad move on HIS part if HE thinks that will put me off. One little secret, I've always had a thing for men in uniform. Anyone with ideas for me?

The MP Syndrome

Have you ever thought that no one in this world knows the real you? I do. If you ask my parents, they'll say I'm stubborn and lazy. Ask my friends from college, they will say that I have a terrible temper but I have a very caring nature. There are those who will say I'm bubbly and fun. There are others who say I'm a snob. Which one is the real me? I don't know. So, readers... you have to suffer the journey with me as I try to figure out who the heck I am.